Job Hunt

I’m pretty much sick of job hunting at this point. What I’ve learned as I browsed through the surprisingly large number of job postings that my degree would be useful for is that my degree is useless because it isn’t backed up by a near perfect GPA, 5 years of experience working for a rival, and/or a contract with the Devil. In fact, with the kind of requirements I’m seeing for some of these “entry level” positions, it’s a wonder that they hire anyone… Or maybe they just don’t hire anyone, double the workloads of their current employees and fire anyone who keels over from exhaustion or dies in-office. Just take a look at the description and requirements for one of the more ludicrous job vacancies I won’t be filling.

Administrative Aide:
Begin your career in the dynamic nuclear power industry by joining the worldwide, motivated team of employees at *company deleted*, the global leader in nuclear operations, experience, and technology. *company deleted* is seeking an experienced Administrative Aide at our *address deleted* in *place deleted* - eventually relocating to *other place deleted*.

The Administrative Aide's responsibilities include, but are not limited to, the following:
Perform various assignments and related office administrative/technical duties within section or department. Kidnap high-ranking diplomats and hold them for ransom. Run successful smear campaigns. Job duties for this position reflect specific nature of department involved. Ability to apply acceptable computer skills in at least two software packages over and above word processing is required: such as gaphics, database management, spreadsheets, etc., using currently applied office software programs such as Microsoft Word, Microsoft Excel, Powerpoint, Access, etc.

SPECIFIC DESIRED SKILLS:High school graduate or recognized equivalent with specific knowledge and training in business technical practices. Hearty laugh and ability to yell for long periods of time are a plus. Must be able to type 50 words per minute. Must be able to Photoshop the faces of rival executives on to embarrassing photos for later release. Green Beret training is preferable.

EXPERIENCE REQUIREMENT: Two years in an administrative assistant function where a knowledge of administrative/office procedures business practices and appropriate software packages have been learned or an equivalent amount of experience in covert operations. Clearly demonstrate application of current software programs, such as Microsoft Word, Microsoft Excel, PowerPoint, Access, Photoshop, etc. Proficiency is determined by successfully completing an administrative office software applications exercise/evaluation administered through Human Resources or delivering the head of Superman on a silver platter. Substitution of platter material will not be accepted.

PRIMARY FUNCTION: Perform various “assignments” and related office administrative/technical duties within section or department. Job duties for this position reflect specific nature of department involved. Ability to apply acceptable computer skills in at least two software packages over and above word processing is required: such as graphics, database management, spreadsheets, etc., using currently applied office software programs such as Microsoft Word, Microsoft Excel, Photoshop, Access, etc. WORKING PROCEDURE AND/OR RESPONSIBILITY ASSIGNED: THE FOLLOWING ARE THE USUAL MAJOR JOB DUTIES BUT THIS JOB DESCRIPTION DOES NOT PRECLUDE THE PERFORMANCE OF OTHER DUTIES BY THE INCUMBENT. 1. Prepare correspondence, reports and forms. Compose basic routine correspondence and prepare letters. Determine informational sources, weaponry stockpiles, and enemy encampments, accumulate and compile information from general instructions for non-routine detailed reports. Follow-up correspondence; keep appropriate personnel informed of status completion. 2. Use job-related equipment and appropriate software packages to complete memos and eliminate threats as identified by the Supreme Council. 3. Impersonate Billy Mays on command for the amusement of your Overlord. 4. Violate all applicable local, federal, international, and intergalactic laws with impunity as required in the line of duty. 5. Testify before Congress and take the fall for any failed deceptive business practices including but not limited to: price gouging, ridiculous executive bonuses, corporate espionage, regular espionage, and silent bids to create a New World Order to unite the ignorant masses under the fist of our mighty ruler. 6. Kneel before *name deleted*… (it goes on, but I think this is enough to get my point across)

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The point is, there’s not a man or woman alive who can live up to these unreasonable expectations. Let’s say that you’re a black ops agent with a tenuous grasp on reality and place little to no value on human life. You’ve even got some serious experience in all relevant software packages. Looking good, right? Can you kill a dude and then immediately deliver a hearty endorsement for Oxy-Clean? No? Well then you aren’t qualified, bucko! Billy is the skill that can’t be taught. Its job descriptions like these that really demoralize job searchers by setting standards that there’s no way they’d be able to reach without already having the job that they’re applying to for the past 2 years. Sometimes I wonder if people even know what “entry level” is supposed to mean…